A Laugh for the Forum

[Thimsile Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thimsile]

I love this thread. Some of the funniest shit I ever read.

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

Golf Stories

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone,
talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter,
and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're
putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get
here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband.."Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
-------------------------------------------------

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"
-----------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? "

The young man says, "An 8-iron,father. How about you?"

The priest says,"I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the
green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

------------------------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective
asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes " says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

Yes, yes, I did.." The woman begins to sob, drops the
club, and puts her, hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put
me down for a five."

------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty
swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,
"Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

Teacher wanted for new Broken English School, "Asylum for the Verbally Insane."

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted,
but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks
who grew up speaking English should be committed
to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop,
how come Mother's not Mop?


" Broken English School "

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite comedian who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. ' A ll I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Lazy 8 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Lazy 8]

Limerick: Sorry, this is an old one!

In days of old
When men were bold
And rubbers were invented
They wrapped their socks
Around their cocks
And went on quite contented!

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

Six Quickies





"Is it a sin to have sexual relations before receiving communion?" The young
woman asked her pastor.
"Only if you block the aisle," he replied.
***********
"I’m beat," confessed the young girl to her friend. "Last night I didn’t fall asleep until after three."
"No wonder you’re tired," her friend replied. "Twice is usually all I need."
***********
A friend tells us the only thing better than the sleep of the just, is the sleep of the just after.
***********
"Do you smoke after sex?" the man asked.
"I really don’t know," the woman replied. "I’ve never checked."
***********
Two chorus girls were talking things over between shows. "I’ve been out with hundreds of men," said the first, "but I haven’t let one make love to me."
"Oh," said her friend, "which one was that?"
***********
"All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how about the next installment on that couch?"
The lady shrugged. "Okay. It’s better than having to give you the money, I guess."
************

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)







1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.













2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.












3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.











4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. IF YOU ARE A REALLY HEAVY SLEEPER USE A RAT TRAP.











5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.






6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE ~ WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.










7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end
Up leaving together.

They get back to his place,and as he shows her around his Apartment.

She notices that one wall of his Bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, Cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the Bedroom,With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him.They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known..

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[happy stud Banned Find all posts View Profile Close happy stud]

Not a bad idea if you can get some real cheap teddy bears.

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

Yeah Mo, I can just see you doing this. Hell man, you'd expect the women to give YOU teddy bears.

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it.

You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last.


And you're single.


Just let it go."


But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering..............












"Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

[kingpole Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close kingpole]

He fucked up fuckediduppidy bear!

[kingpole Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close kingpole]

The toxic shock lady

He was alaways at work, never home and she was rather neglected because of this fact. Alway decorating the house with those antique romantic things you can buy for a song at flea markets and thrift shops all over town. She longed for the mans dong but dong was not to be hers. Still she made the best of it having herself a nice finger party in one of the well decorated rooms on the day bed coverd with silk sheets. She would spend hours often stimulating her lady hood with those delicate dainty fingers and licking them off now and then. Dreaming of her mans dong, the dong that was often not there Not going to happen. And over the years happen all the less and less and then stopped.

She would often stuff tampon sticks into herself imaginging it was a fat juicy, hard throbbing member. One day she got i'll and was rushed to the doctor. She nearly died from toxic shock syndrome. They pulled out 25 old stayle tampons out of snatch.

When she returned home after a two week stent in the hospital her dumb fuck husband asked her why she had so many of those rods stuck up inside her. She said, well dear, its like this, i missed your member dearly and was desireing a meanigful blistful satisfying fuck from you at least twice a week. But you see another lover has taken your place. I call him paper men i would slide them in and out ,in and out in and out, in and out. Got to feeling pretty nice so i decided i needed attention in the snatch 24 hours a day and stuffed my cunt tell it could not hold anymore.

He turned beet red and paused, embarrased he realized that which made his wife sick was all due to him not being there. After carefu self reflexion he decided to work less and be more attentive to the needs of his wife. After all it is rare that a woman should want so much fuck. So he stayed home more often, just about everyday and banged her at least twice a day for as long as he could bang her. She loved him for it! They lived happily ever after and in old age were found conected in a fuck when both had expired at the same time. Two souls departing this limited globe to lite up to heaven.