A Laugh for the Forum

[dick-a-dee Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dick-a-dee]

What's the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snowballs.
Why did the snowman drop his pants? He heard the snowblower coming.

[dick-a-dee Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dick-a-dee]

He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
He who has hands in pocket, feel cocky all day.

[frb3 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close frb3]

I wanted to be a country singer too and even wrote a few tunes but nobody liked my titles- like- "I Love You So Fuckin Much I Could Shit", and " Don't Forget To Lick My Balls"

Got to ask you, the title to your first song, are you perhaps Swedish? I know what does that have to do with the song. Used to work for a fellow a former nightclub performer. He used that title alot, going back 30 years ago. Don't think you are he as he would be 80 years old now. It he is still active he has to stand his wife on head and drop it in.

Regards.

[dick-a-dee Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dick-a-dee]

Got to ask you, the title to your first song, are you perhaps Swedish? I know what does that have to do with the song. Used to work for a fellow a former nightclub performer. He used that title alot, going back 30 years ago. Don't think you are he as he would be 80 years old now. It he is still active he has to stand his wife on head and drop it in.

Regards.

Actually the first title was from an old comedy movie ("Can I Do It Tell I Need Glasses" or "If You Don't Stop Or You'll Go Blind) The second title I made up. I'm just a crazy canuk.

[dick-a-dee Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dick-a-dee]

Why did the pervert cross the road? Because his dick was still stuck in the chicken.
Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.

[frb3 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close frb3]

Congress

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

[Waylander Retired ModeratorPEGym EditorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Waylander]

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and
sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he
goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy
behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files &replies - "Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully
wash their genital regions.

You then apply shaving foam and gently
shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready
for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi."

He looks at his map and says, "That's about 620 miles from here."


"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"


"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

[dick-a-dee Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dick-a-dee]

An old man and an old woman are taking a bath together. After the wife takes her clothes off the husband turns to his wife and says
" You look twenty years younger"
she says
" Really, how's that?"
the husband says,
" Well,when you took your bra off your tits dropped to the floor and pulled all the wrinkles out of your face"

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIR HEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3 He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION"
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
(jP

[millia Senior Member;PEGym Editor Find all posts View Profile Close millia]

I am literally laughing my ass off at this.

[Waylander Retired ModeratorPEGym EditorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Waylander]

A Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a
statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
Just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

[Waylander Retired ModeratorPEGym EditorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Waylander]

How A Woman Thinks

This should be read by all males . . .


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box..

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!
________________________________

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase..

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'
________________________________

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women..

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.
________________________________

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
________________________________

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
________________________________


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
________________________________

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day.....

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
________________________________


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
________________________________


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee...'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
________________________________


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake
him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she
would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[frb3 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close frb3]

A Horse, A Chicken &TheHarley:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,for he had gone totown with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of theloop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerfulbike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farm house,and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned..

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,

Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon,he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle..

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingyand he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story??

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)







'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A HarleyTo Pick UpChicks!

[kingpole Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close kingpole]

Funny!