4 year relationship struggling...need help

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

@TPW I think I will talk to her about it. She is really close to her sister, and I am as well. We have became really good friends over the 4 years. She is like an older sister I've never had. She knows about our situation and our plans of seperating. Her sister reminded her that me on a bad day is better than her husband on a good day. He isn't that great of a guy to her. He's kind of old school where her expects her to make meals for him and serve his every need. But he does want sex every night. Well my fiancé or ex-fiancé said to her sister that at least he desires her and wants her sexually, and that she never felt that I have.

This hit me hard. Because I do fell sexually attracted to her and I do desire her. The old me didn't because I was screwed up. So last night I'm the one that initiated the sex. We were kind of play fighting and I was tickling her and then I got on top and started kissing her. That's when she told me she didn't want to confuse me? I probably shouldn't have initiated the sex but I want to show her the disire I have for her. My words don't much right now it's my actions.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

And thank you for getting that guy out of here. I'm genuinely searching for help and this guy wants to call me and a woman he doesn't even know names. That's uncalled for and I appreicate you handling it.

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

HueGHawk, This is a complex situation and I have nothing to add in terms of advice. But I wish you the best and I hope that whatever the outcome of this situation, you are able to find peace with it. (hugs)

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

Thank you that really does mean a lot!

[Reallyshortblackguy Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Reallyshortblackguy]

Gee sorry i cant help, i'm pretty young and i'm kinda a skirt chaser so my knowledge and expirence aint quite solid like the other members here but hey they are giving you good advise. Follow and see how it goes

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

@TPW I think I will talk to her about it. She is really close to her sister, and I am as well. We have became really good friends over the 4 years. She is like an older sister I've never had. She knows about our situation and our plans of seperating. Her sister reminded her that me on a bad day is better than her husband on a good day. He isn't that great of a guy to her. He's kind of old school where her expects her to make meals for him and serve his every need. But he does want sex every night. Well my fiancé or ex-fiancé said to her sister that at least he desires her and wants her sexually, and that she never felt that I have.

This hit me hard. Because I do fell sexually attracted to her and I do desire her. The old me didn't because I was screwed up. So last night I'm the one that initiated the sex. We were kind of play fighting and I was tickling her and then I got on top and started kissing her. That's when she told me she didn't want to confuse me? I probably shouldn't have initiated the sex but I want to show her the disire I have for her. My words don't much right now it's my actions.

Hey HueGHawk,

Although you were the one who initiated, she allowed it to happen so it is still recommended that you talk to her about it. Start the conversation by letting her know that while you didn't want to generate confusion, you did what to show her that you love and desire her. Tell her all the things you have shared with us about how important she is to you. Then ask her the reasons for her wanting to be intimate with you and allow the rest of the conversation to flow from there.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

You are fine man. I understand your comment moving on to the next one. Because most probably would. But this woman really means a lot to me and sadly I am just realizing this, when really it's probably too late. If I didn't have kids with her it would probably make it a little easier too. I'm not just doing it for the kids I really do care for her a whole lot. But they are also apart of the equation.

I've mentioned this before but I hated growing up without my parents being together. I would be jealous of other kids that had theirs together. I always said that I never wanted my kids to go through the same thing I did. Now I realize that it can't always work out that way but if I have a chance to make it work then I'm going to give 110% effort to make it work. We were both young so the odds have always been against us. But I know now that if porn wasn't a problem for me and I showed her the attention she needed then we wouldn't be in this situation. I got comfortable. I thought I could do whatever I wanted to do and whatever I didn't want to do and she would always stay with me. I stopped courting her. I stopped being romantic (really didn't ever start fully the way I am capable of doing) I made a ton of mistakes, that's life I understand that. But now I'm trying to learn from them and better myself. Let my actions speak instead of words.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

TPW,

That is true and I will talk to her about it. How can I add a spark to our relationship without buying her stuff. I have already bought her flowers a lot of them, got her a new phone, brought lunch several times, left her little notes that said she was beautiful and stuff like that in her car...she has stated that she doesn't want me to buy her love. Any other ideas?

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Listen to me very carefully. I have been in your position and I know how you can get your wife back, but you need to follow the rules exactly and not try to argue or do things your way. I've seen every which way this can play out and you're better off not trying to win her back like you have been.

To put it bluntly she has given you the famous "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line that is her way of telling you IT'S OVER. She's checking out and trying to give you an ego boost meant to not make her look like the bad guy for leaving. Believe it or not, you buying gifts and trying to act like the perfect husband now is actually pushing her away further and faster than ever.

That is why if you want her back you need to let her go and not try to change her mind. Trying to change her mind, sweet talk her, convince her you've changed, and basically kissing her ass is seen as disrespectful because you're just telling her that you won't let her do what she wants.

The best thing you can do right now is file for divorce first and stop talking to her for a while. Show her you mean business and I guarantee she's will want to stop the process to talk things over. Doing this will prevent her from any wishy-washy come here now go away actions and arguments that will end up costing you a lot of time and money. And that goes for anything not having to do with your kids, so no calling her to check up on her or calling just to talk. You both need space!

Above all, do not blame yourself and what you should have done. This is a 50/50 decision and it's never over until it's over. You're going to feel hurt and confused for a while, but this time will give you a great chance to figure yourself out and change things from within.

Here are the rules to follow. DO NOT BREAK THEM! You won't get too many chances to mess up.

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

Listen to me very carefully. I have been in your position and I know how you can get your wife back, but you need to follow the rules exactly and not try to argue or do things your way.

I appreciate what you are trying to do here. But saying you know how he can get his wife back is not fair. It is impossible for you to know that. She may truly be finished and nothing can be done to "win" her back. Sometimes that's just how it is. You may believe you are offering advice that will give him the best chances. But offering false hope can be unintentionally cruel.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

I appreciate what you are trying to do here. But saying you know how he can get his wife back is not fair. It is impossible for you to know that. She may truly be finished and nothing can be done to "win" her back. Sometimes that's just how it is. You may believe you are offering advice that will give him the best chances. But offering false hope can be unintentionally cruel.

Actually, he still may have time. There's a slim chance she's between hurt and angry but still not ready to go. Had he mentioned an affair, that would be when there's no chance as stopping this separation/divorce.

Read my entire post and then message me if you have questions. I want him to read it and sit with it before reading the comments from the peanut gallery.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

Wow the TGD amazing advice. I did a screen shot of all of your points and didn't even realize it but in doing a lot of those points wrong. Thanks man. Also we aren't married, so no need for the divorce. We had plans for marriage but obviously they are no more. I know her and I know once I move out that it won't be long for her to realize there is a lot of stuff I did right. Right now I think she is hurt and is also focusing mostly on my negatives (no affection). I think she'll remember my positives. Her sister said it herself to me that she won't find a guy like me. She knows the entire situation. But her sister doesn't understand the pain that I caused her. From the outside looking in I'm a good guy from her mom and sister's standpoint. I'm apart of their family. Her sister's kids love me they call me uncle and everything, so this will be hard on not only my kids but my nieces and nephews. It's a really ugly mess.

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

Actually, he still may have time.

That's very different from saying:

"I know how you can get your wife back,"

I'm not telling him to give up. But there are no guarantees. You know how he may be able to get his wife back.

And I don't discuss posts via PM, but thank you.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

Pretty good TGD, however because of porn he is the wayward party. Do the same rules apply?

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

Also we aren't married, so no need for the divorce.

If you are not married but have children with this woman you really should consult an attorney if you have not already. Regardless of the outcome,* the rights of unwed fathers are not very well protected.


*Edit: regardless of the outcome of your current situation.