4 year relationship struggling...need help

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

I think she really needs to see what life is without me before we jump back in.

I'm not so sure that's what she needs HGH. Don't take this harsh, but I think from what you are saying, is that she has seen too much of a life without you.

I think what she needs to see is more life with you, and I think a separation will make that hard to see.

Let me ask, if I may...has she said anything about dating others during the separation? You or her?

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

She did not just decide to separate. She just told you, big difference.

You may still be able to win her back but it will take time. Move out because if she loves you she may miss you and it may be harder for her when your gone than she thinks.

While your gone just be a good dad and a good man. Maybe she will see why she fell in love with you in the first place.

I have not read the entire thread so I will suggest counseling for you both because you have kids and hopefully she would go.

Best of luck.

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

......what BigO said too!! ^^^^^^^^^^

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Hey HueGHawk,

From what you are indicating, I agree that perhaps a trial separation may be best for both of you at this time since it can provide a crucial “cooling off period,” allowing you to more objectively assess the strengths and weakness of the relationship. The time apart may help both of you remember each other’s better qualities; the qualities that made you fall in love. The separation can also give you a clearer perspective on any unhealthy aspects of the relationship—manipulation, codependency, etc.

You will need to keep in mind that a separation doesn’t have the same clearly-defined parameters as a final breakup. Accordingly, you and your girlfriend will have to determine how your separation will be structured and what it means to you. Some issues to discuss are...

Dating Others

Is seeing other people going to be part of the separation? If so, think through how this might impact the possibility of getting back together. Should you reconcile, will there be lingering jealousies? If you hope to salvage your relationship, casual dating may not be worth it. One alternative is to date each other—albeit in a limited way.

Living apart doesn't mean you have to cut all ties with each other. Going on dates once a week can inject romance back into your relationship, while allowing sufficient time and space to process through problems.

If you choose this course, decide in advance what dating each other will look like. It may be beneficial to focus on rebuilding emotional intimacy, rather than physical intimacy, during this time. Sex can have an anesthetizing effect—dulling the pain in the relationship while doing nothing to actually address the root issues. Don't worry, I am sure you will both discover that as the emotional aspects of your relationship progress, so too can the physical aspects.

Resolving Issues

How will you and your girlfriend work on the problems in your relationship during this time? Together, identify the specific issues that are causing conflict. Regardless of what happens with the relationship these issues will need to be addressed. Merely finding a different partner will not erase old heartache or radically change how you relate to a significant other.

Co-parenting

I am unaware how old your children are but you will both need to be mindful of how the separation may affect them. A separation can disrupt a child’s basic sense of security and stability. Learning to co-parent effectively and communicate respectfully with each other can help reduce the emotional strain on your children.



Finally, should you both be willing, meeting with a relationship counselor or even individual counselling can help clarify if and how your relationship can be rebuilt on healthier terms.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

I want to thank everyone for their advice again. BigO I tend to agree with you about the sperating. They say absence can make the heart stronger. It's clear that we both still love each other. But we both don't have that spark we once had. And even at the beginning of the realstionship I don't think the spark was as strong as it should have been because I was still viewing porn regularly. Our first few times having sex I didn't orgasm because of DE and I went soft. She was understanding because I lost my virginity to her and she thought it was my nerves. She has always been there for me and I really do see her being a great wife one day of we can fix our problems. Which most of them stem from my addiction. I don't want to take the full blame because we both aren't perfect. But I have put her through a lot and I truly understand that now.

She has stated and so have I that she doesn't plan on dating anyone. She wants to work on herself and me work on myself. We got together at a young age. I was 18 and she was 16. We had our first child then. For the first few years she didn't have a job or a car so she depended on me for a lot of stuff. She has stated that she wants to know what it feels like to be independent and to do stuff on her own.

I went from showing her no attention or affection to smothering and suffocating her with it here lately. In an attempt to show her I changed. I understand a months time isn't a enough time to show that after 4 years of not doing it.

Yes I do fear of being alone if we do end up breaking it completely off. Obliviously I'll have my kids so I won't be alone. But not having a woman on my side will take some time to get used to. She really does mean a lot to me and I would love to marry her one day. That's why it's so complicated and I don't want to give up. My parents were both young and were in pretty much in the same situation when they were younger and they split up when I was 3. I hated growing up without them together. I didn't like my step parents and never felt loved but them. Both have stated that they regret giving up on each other. I don't want the same regret when I get older. I also don't want to put our kids through the same thing I got put through.

[shakemasture Banned Find all posts View Profile Close shakemasture]

It depends. With the wrong attitude from a man a good wife can be very hard to find. Hopefully with OP's corrected attitude and some forgiveness and communication he will already have found a good wife.

A man is because he puts down his toys (biches,drugs,gaming,his dick) to do everything jesus commands. If you are that disciplined you shouldn't have a wrong attitude.

[aplay69 Senior MemberPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close aplay69]

A good wife is near impossible to find. Fuck her man you don't need anyone.

No man is an island onto himself. Everyone needs someone. Including You.

[shakemasture Banned Find all posts View Profile Close shakemasture]

You're funny bro because even god says it's better to not be married like peter was.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Shakemasture, if you follow those teachings , God, or Jesus, probably would also not appreciate referring to another of his creations with a derogatory term like bitches.

Respect for your fellow human, and kindness to others are main principles. But all of it is interpretation of 2000 year old writings. Unless it's encouraging, probably best to keep those opinions to yourself.

[shakemasture Banned Find all posts View Profile Close shakemasture]

Dude I tug on my dick all day what makes you think jesus approves of me?
Also man are you saying I can't express my religious ideas. That's like if you told someone don't talk about sucking dick you twisted homo, or you don't know no anything you're a woman, or you like allah you're a terrorist, you look up to the founding father's you're a terrorist.

You are a mod bro you need to treat guys,gays,chicks the same.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

Wow, are you really going to try instructing anyone while simply being confrontational? Sit back take a deep breath, and know that Jesus loves you and your penis just as much as you do. Then have enough self respect to give others at least as much respect as they are giving you. W4I did none of the things you are accusing him of. And I can tell you that you are not espousing any biblical teachings with your confrontational drivel. Please reconsider your attitude from any logical base you choose and then present an a point of view that we can deal with. Enjoy your journey.

[MrB8 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close MrB8]

Dude I tug on my dick all day what makes you think jesus approves of me?
Also man are you saying I can't express my religious ideas. That's like if you told someone don't talk about sucking dick you twisted homo, or you don't know no anything you're a woman, or you like allah you're a terrorist, you look up to the founding father's you're a terrorist.

You are a mod bro you need to treat guys,gays,chicks the same.

Who said that?

Workin_4_it kindly responded to your post, and gave you gentle advice.

The point is, you keep making arguments that you do not even apply to yourself.

Do not derail this thread any further and let the conversation return to the original subject.

[aplay69 Senior MemberPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close aplay69]

You're funny bro because even god says it's better to not be married like peter was.

And yet he created Eve for Adam.

[shakemasture Banned Find all posts View Profile Close shakemasture]

I will I'm seven years in.

Oh you need something you can deal with lol.

[Dangler Senior Administrator☼ Wizard ☼ White Tiger Award 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Dangler]

Enough with the rude posts.