4 year relationship struggling...need help

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

Is that story of you TGD? I know her pretty well and I don't think she is ready for us to be threw. She needs space though which ironically is what caused the problem in the first place. I went from showing her no attention to smothering her with it. I used the well I don't yell at her or curse at her so I'm a good guy love right? Nope. She needed me and I neglected her. I have to keep reminding myself I'm young. I learned this lesson in life at a young age. I have plenty of life left, some people go through this same thing at an older age and don't really have time to make it right. I love the new me and I know there's a good chance she'll love it too. It's actually a better me than the one she fell in love with. Once and if she gets past the hurt I believe she'll put her walls down. If she doesn't and we don't get back together, well that's life. I leaned from my mistake and improved myself from it and became a stronger and better person. That's all you can ask for right?

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

No, that is not my story.

You're right, after you agree with her and give her plenty of space her walls will drop. However, that does not mean you can rush in and try to get her to change her mind or take you back. Any waffling like that will make her not want to trust you, because you once you say you agree with her it's going to seem like you are just doing nice things to manipulate her. Take it one day at a time and remember stay in the now. As hard it may be, stay in the now and focus on what is going on in the moment.

[Thatbdd Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thatbdd]

How many posts have you made on th
is thread? I only see three and there is no report of any posts deleted from this thread nor does it show that any of your posts were edited by anyone.

3 total, now with this one 4, I use the mobile pegym maybe that's why?

Idk.. It wasn't letting me see all the number of pages

[downthere Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close downthere]

She has stated and so have I that she doesn't plan on dating anyone. She wants to work on herself and me work on myself. We got together at a young age. I was 18 and she was 16. We had our first child then. For the first few years she didn't have a job or a car so she depended on me for a lot of stuff. She has stated that she wants to know what it feels like to be independent and to do stuff on her own.

Hue, I wish you the best...There's been a lot of good advice given - However, one question lingers in my mind. You said you've been together 4 1/2 years. Does that make her 20 1/2 years old? I read the entire thread and I might have missed something. I'm deep frying a turkey for my daughter right now and I don't want to catch the house on fire! So forgive me if I missed something.

CUSP - Of course you can have some!

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

I am going to be turning 23 in the summer and she'll be turning 21 next month. This coming up summer would have been 5 years.

[thenewdude Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close thenewdude]

I agree with the others that you cannot say he can because she is still an individual so she has her own mind. She has put up with this for 4 years and has made it clear that she needs to move forward. There is no hidden message here.
There are choices and consequences and I am pretty sure that the final warning sign of "I have had it!" were made known.
You can hate me all you want, but you have no right to give hope you can't guarantee. Enough said.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

You're right. I'm preparing myself for both outcomes. I wouldn't take myself back if I were in her shoes. Maybe once if I saw that I changed and actually meant it I would think about it. I did a lot of damage to her. It will take a while to repair if I even can. You live and learn in life.

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

@tpw I would love to hear any opinion you have! You give great advice!

Hiya HueGhawk,

As you can see from the responses, there are pros and cons to both remaining or separating. Before you make that decision, may I suggest you ask your girlfriend what she specifically hopes will be accomplished with a separation? What does she think being apart can do for her and your relationship that remaining together cannot?

By determining her reasons you can then better understand what it is she needs/wants at this time. More importantly, it can enable you both to come up with other viable solutions to achieve the same results without the need to be apart.

At the very least, you will have a better understanding of the situation and therefore make a better, more informed decision.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

Well this is a little deeper than I thought and will take a whole lot of work to get this right, if I even can. I'm afraid that a separation is the only option right now. I know sperating probably lowers percentages on getting back together but staying together and working it out is too late now. She said if we stayed together it would only get worse. She told me maybe a couple of months ago when she was warning me and telling me she wasn't happy and I needed to change that we probably could have fixed it then.

She sees that I am changing but we have been done that road before. It's just never been this serious. She has definitely had enough. I've told her before I would change but my actions never showed it because I was confortable and didn't think I would ever lose her. She told me I'm an amazing person and an amazing father but I did a lot of things wrong as her SO. She has a lot of built of resentment that I think will take space in order for her to get rid of it. Resement because of me neglecting her and making her feel so lonely.

Here are some things I need to work on from the talk we had...she never felt protected with me, she said I need to stop caring about what other people think of me and that I let people walk over me. I need to mature, which I have a whole lot in the past 6 weeks (need to stay on this path). Need to show more affection, which she has said that she has saw that change in me here recently but it's kind of bs because it took her wanted to seperate for me to show her that. Communication was also a problem, I held things in and didn't communicate the way I should have with her. I paid more attention to my phone than her at times. The last thing which is a big one is I didn't show her support like I should have. There were times when she wanted to do something and I didn't support her, and I made her feel like I didn't have faith in her to accomplish things.

I have came to the realization that I may never get her back. I hate it but it's my fault. There is a lot of stuff I need to change to better myself and she needs to see that change from me not hear it.
She said that it isn't out of the posibilty that we won't ever get back together but a lot of stuff will have to change in order for that to happen.

That is where we are at and I figured I would let everyone know. This won't be easy to get her back if I even can. But she is worth the fight. The 1st thing I have to do is continue to work on myself. If that gets her back that's awesome, but if it doesn't, then I'm a better person than I was. Thanks again for all of the advice everyone has gave me!

[thenewdude Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close thenewdude]

You are on the right track whether she is convinced over time not afraid you will slip back into old habits. I give you props for wanting to change for you. Stay posted.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

Thanks man! I don't want to go back to my old self. I literally despise my old self. I'll keep everyone updated. I also have a log going on in the progress forum if you guys would like to keep up with my progress. I update it daily and I find that it helps when I write my feelings down or what's going on each day.

[Eazygeezer Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Eazygeezer]

Having been through 2 divorces myself, both of which were for different reasons and not of my choosing I can only advise you on what happened to me.

First of all, and I hate to say this. Prior to the 'I want to separate' bombshell did her behaviour change in any way, has she become secretive in any way?

The reason why is that my wife was cheating on me, told me she wanted to separate but that thought we would get back together, just needed time and so on. She had started going out with new 'friends' I didn't know, was secretive with phone etc.

Turns out she was banging a guy from work. My portion of blame for this in hindsight was that because of her controlling and abusive nature I allowed myself to put myself second to all of her wants and needs - codependent.

I'm not saying she is doing this at all! The best thing you can do is as others have said, start to live a separate life, do all the things yo want to do. Be the best dad you can be to your kids, not to show her you can be, but because you want to (again, not saying you don't already)

If you concentrate on improving you for the future and future partners (whether it's her or not) it can only be a positive thing! Worst case, you don't end up together but you become a better man for yourself and for future partners. Best case, you end up back together.

By pursuing her after you have been told that she needs space, all you are stating is that her decisions don't matter to you and you are doing what you want to do. Despite your best intentions this may also cause further resentment.

Live your life, be happy and time will tell. She will doubt her decision and may ask you to go back, this should involve a long and frank discussion as to the reasons behind it. She might find single life with 2 kids very difficult and simply want you as a housekeeper, baby sitter, handyman etc.

If she wants you back for 'the kids' it will not work, trust me, I tried it.

I know I'm throwing up what look like negatives but I only want what's best for you, and you must realise that at the time it's not always what you think it is!

And the sister thing, forget that, my exes sisters told me I was great, she would never find someone like me etc. she didn't, she found someone else because she no longer wanted me. Take all,that crap with a pinch of salt dude.

You are a great guy, you're young and you have learned a valuable lesson very early on in your life.

I wish you only the best whatever happens buddy

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Eazygeezer,

I agree with everything you've said. I have dealt with a cheating wife myself and I know the signs and phrases that cheaters use quite a bit. Unfortunately, not too many people here have had that experience (or have been married) and those that are clueless about the signs of cheating tend to think of us as being negative.